You've got the cruelest little baby face
If you had asked me at the start of 2022 if I thought that 2009's Orphan had lived on as a classic of modern horror, I'd have looked sort of through you for an awkward moment in a confused, glassy-eyed way before tentatively replying "the J.A. Bayona film?" And we'd have had a beat before figuring out that I was in fact referring to 2007's The Orphanage, at which point I would perhaps have collected myself well enough to come back with "oh, right, Orphan, I don't think I liked it very much", which technically wouldn't have in any way answered the question of its status and reputation 13 years later, but would probably have carried with it the implication, "no, surely it's been entirely forgotten".
And I'd have been wrong, because apparently it has remained enough of a classic of modern horror that, all these many years later, it's been given a prequel, Orphan: First Kill, whose title is incorrect twice over: the main character isn't posing as an orphan this time, and it is very clearly not her first kills that we're watching. But neither of those things really matter very much, and the film has been pretty warmly received by the people who have apparently been keeping the light of Orphan lit in their hearts all these years; it's been about as much of a hit as you could expect of a film that received a cursory theatrical release before making its streaming home on Paramount+, a streamer whose slogan might as well be "Hey, We're Not Peacock!" I'll even go so far as to say it's a real pity that First Kill didn't get to spend any real time in theaters; it is exactly the kind of crappy-but-zesty horror movie that the winding-down days of August do best.
Having seen Orphan: First Kill, my memories of the first Orphan have come roaring back, for the less-than-exciting reason that Orphan: First Kill is, for an extremely long stretch of its running time, basically nothing but a direct replica of the first movie, only one that no longer has a twist to play, so it necessarily follows the perspective of the villain rather than her prey. That villain, for the record, is Leena Klammer (Isabelle Fuhrman), a 31-year-old woman who, due to an extremely rare genetic disorder, has stopped visibly aging around 10 years old. She is, in other words, very literally an adult psycho killer in the body of a little girl, and it is in this guise that she pretends to be the missing Esther Albright, the daughter of an American family: mom Tricia (Julia Stiles), dad Allen (Rossif Sutherland), and crabby older brother Gunnar (Matthew Finlan). Thus is she spirited out of Estonia right in the nick of time, having just escaped from the high-security mental institution where she's been imprisoned since an unnamed but obviously extremely violent incident that makes the guards visibly blanch just to think of it. And having left another pile of bodies in her wake while doing so.
Let me not mince words: the first 55 minutes of Orphan: First Kill are just dreadful. First, there's its long, unfocused opening act, in which we are given a false protagonist in the form of Anna (Gwendolyn Collins), an art therapist who has been hired by the institute holding Leena, only to freak out directly following her first encounter with the monstrous fake child; this is followed by a poorly-staged and worse-edited escape sequence, at the end of which Anna ends up dead. It is very difficult to feel like any of this is using our time well, but at least it's different, which cannot be said for the next act or two, which finds "Esther" hanging out with the Albrights, and making Allen a very happy father indeed, while Tricia seems to understand in prickly way that something is wrong, and Gunnar is just a belligerent asshole teenager. It's basically just the first film but without any layers, since we now know that "Esther" is a murderous adult with an innocent child's visage, and it just goes on with no real variations, other than the dim amusement in seeing how Leena outwits the adults who knew Esther when they edge up to catching her in a poorly thought-out lie.
This changes, again, at the 55-minute mark - 54 minutes and a half, let's not split hairs - out of a movie that runs to a total of 99 minutes, with credits. Which of course means it would constitute a terrible spoiler to even slightly suggest what it is, but I think it is fair to say that there is very much a "First Kill before the thing happens" and a First Kill after the thing happens", and they practically feel like two separate movies. I'm almost tempted to say that the first movie is a boring slog on purpose, since the whole point of the thing that happens is to complete redirect the film's energy, and the the more slow and pointless it had felt, the more dramatic the swerve. That's cold comfort during those 55 minutes, which are just not good. The film is built around a kind of a gimmick: in the 2009 film, Fuhrman was 11 years old, playing a 33-year-old; now Fuhrman is 25 (23 at the time of filming), essentially playing herself as an 11-year-old. And while director William Brent Bell (who has made several bad-to-mediocre horror films at this point, though to me he will always be the monster who birthed the heinous The Devil Inside into the world) has been happily bragging about all the force perspective and body doubles and quick-change choreography and those sorts of practical that went into making the now-adult Fuhrman appear to be a child still, it's just not there. I wouldn't exactly say that Fuhrman obviously "looks older", but she obviously looks made-up, and digitally airbrushed, and just not entirely like her skin is her skin. But I'll give Bell this much, the practical effects are pretty fun, if at times a little transparent (there are a lot of moments where we're conspicuously look at the back of Leena/Esther's head, whether that was good for the shot or not.
Meanwhile, the story happening around Fuhrman's undeniably committed and downright joyful performance - my sense is that Orphan: First Kill exists in large part because she thought it would be a lot of fun to play the character again, and that enthusiasm is tangible - is just so dull. The three Albrights are all flat stock figures, more like target practice for Leena than actual victims in a diabolical plot, and Bell either lacks the interest or the ability to create the impression of rising danger and tension - to be honest, I'm not sure that Allen ever realises that he's living through a horror-thiller. None of this is made any better by Karim Hussain's transcendentally bad cinematography: I think it is entirely fair and honest to say that First Kill is one of the very ugliest movies I have ever seen. It is slathered in diffusion, and then badly color graded on top of it; it feels like a malfunctioning fog machine, and damn near every single shot, from the interior of the asylum to an airplane cabin to a psychiatrist's waiting room looks like it is covered in acidic smog. It is rare indeed to come across a motion picture where it's unpleasant simply to look at the thing; First Kill passes that threshold and then some.
That a movie with that kind of insurmountable strike against has still managed rise all the way up to "well, it's not good" in my esteem is testament to what a shocking swerve it makes at the 55 minute mark, when it abruptly ceases to be a plodding horror retread with the world's worst cinematography, and instead turns out to be a dark, campy romp through theatrical madness, with the world's worst cinematography. Fuhrman's performance gains new levels, Stiles suddenly wakes up - one suspects she was restraining herself a bit to sell the second part more, and much like the rest of it, that's a cold comfort during those first 55 minutes - and the whole thing becomes a bizarre war of wills and ludicrous line deliveries. It's still not, like good: the directing never improves, and far too much of the self-aware comedy springs from the notion "it's funny when people keep saying 'fuck', right?" But it is at least thoroughly giddy and delightfully tongue-in-cheek. Whether that redeems the entirety of Orphan: First Kill, I think is in the eye of the beholder. But it's fun to have trash horror with a pulse, anyways.
Tim Brayton is the editor-in-chief and primary critic at Alternate Ending. He has been known to show up on Letterboxd, writing about even more movies than he does here.
If you enjoyed this article, why not support Alternate Ending as a recurring donor through Patreon, or with a one-time donation via Paypal? For just a dollar a month you can contribute to the ongoing health of the site, while also enjoying several fun perks!
And I'd have been wrong, because apparently it has remained enough of a classic of modern horror that, all these many years later, it's been given a prequel, Orphan: First Kill, whose title is incorrect twice over: the main character isn't posing as an orphan this time, and it is very clearly not her first kills that we're watching. But neither of those things really matter very much, and the film has been pretty warmly received by the people who have apparently been keeping the light of Orphan lit in their hearts all these years; it's been about as much of a hit as you could expect of a film that received a cursory theatrical release before making its streaming home on Paramount+, a streamer whose slogan might as well be "Hey, We're Not Peacock!" I'll even go so far as to say it's a real pity that First Kill didn't get to spend any real time in theaters; it is exactly the kind of crappy-but-zesty horror movie that the winding-down days of August do best.
Having seen Orphan: First Kill, my memories of the first Orphan have come roaring back, for the less-than-exciting reason that Orphan: First Kill is, for an extremely long stretch of its running time, basically nothing but a direct replica of the first movie, only one that no longer has a twist to play, so it necessarily follows the perspective of the villain rather than her prey. That villain, for the record, is Leena Klammer (Isabelle Fuhrman), a 31-year-old woman who, due to an extremely rare genetic disorder, has stopped visibly aging around 10 years old. She is, in other words, very literally an adult psycho killer in the body of a little girl, and it is in this guise that she pretends to be the missing Esther Albright, the daughter of an American family: mom Tricia (Julia Stiles), dad Allen (Rossif Sutherland), and crabby older brother Gunnar (Matthew Finlan). Thus is she spirited out of Estonia right in the nick of time, having just escaped from the high-security mental institution where she's been imprisoned since an unnamed but obviously extremely violent incident that makes the guards visibly blanch just to think of it. And having left another pile of bodies in her wake while doing so.
Let me not mince words: the first 55 minutes of Orphan: First Kill are just dreadful. First, there's its long, unfocused opening act, in which we are given a false protagonist in the form of Anna (Gwendolyn Collins), an art therapist who has been hired by the institute holding Leena, only to freak out directly following her first encounter with the monstrous fake child; this is followed by a poorly-staged and worse-edited escape sequence, at the end of which Anna ends up dead. It is very difficult to feel like any of this is using our time well, but at least it's different, which cannot be said for the next act or two, which finds "Esther" hanging out with the Albrights, and making Allen a very happy father indeed, while Tricia seems to understand in prickly way that something is wrong, and Gunnar is just a belligerent asshole teenager. It's basically just the first film but without any layers, since we now know that "Esther" is a murderous adult with an innocent child's visage, and it just goes on with no real variations, other than the dim amusement in seeing how Leena outwits the adults who knew Esther when they edge up to catching her in a poorly thought-out lie.
This changes, again, at the 55-minute mark - 54 minutes and a half, let's not split hairs - out of a movie that runs to a total of 99 minutes, with credits. Which of course means it would constitute a terrible spoiler to even slightly suggest what it is, but I think it is fair to say that there is very much a "First Kill before the thing happens" and a First Kill after the thing happens", and they practically feel like two separate movies. I'm almost tempted to say that the first movie is a boring slog on purpose, since the whole point of the thing that happens is to complete redirect the film's energy, and the the more slow and pointless it had felt, the more dramatic the swerve. That's cold comfort during those 55 minutes, which are just not good. The film is built around a kind of a gimmick: in the 2009 film, Fuhrman was 11 years old, playing a 33-year-old; now Fuhrman is 25 (23 at the time of filming), essentially playing herself as an 11-year-old. And while director William Brent Bell (who has made several bad-to-mediocre horror films at this point, though to me he will always be the monster who birthed the heinous The Devil Inside into the world) has been happily bragging about all the force perspective and body doubles and quick-change choreography and those sorts of practical that went into making the now-adult Fuhrman appear to be a child still, it's just not there. I wouldn't exactly say that Fuhrman obviously "looks older", but she obviously looks made-up, and digitally airbrushed, and just not entirely like her skin is her skin. But I'll give Bell this much, the practical effects are pretty fun, if at times a little transparent (there are a lot of moments where we're conspicuously look at the back of Leena/Esther's head, whether that was good for the shot or not.
Meanwhile, the story happening around Fuhrman's undeniably committed and downright joyful performance - my sense is that Orphan: First Kill exists in large part because she thought it would be a lot of fun to play the character again, and that enthusiasm is tangible - is just so dull. The three Albrights are all flat stock figures, more like target practice for Leena than actual victims in a diabolical plot, and Bell either lacks the interest or the ability to create the impression of rising danger and tension - to be honest, I'm not sure that Allen ever realises that he's living through a horror-thiller. None of this is made any better by Karim Hussain's transcendentally bad cinematography: I think it is entirely fair and honest to say that First Kill is one of the very ugliest movies I have ever seen. It is slathered in diffusion, and then badly color graded on top of it; it feels like a malfunctioning fog machine, and damn near every single shot, from the interior of the asylum to an airplane cabin to a psychiatrist's waiting room looks like it is covered in acidic smog. It is rare indeed to come across a motion picture where it's unpleasant simply to look at the thing; First Kill passes that threshold and then some.
That a movie with that kind of insurmountable strike against has still managed rise all the way up to "well, it's not good" in my esteem is testament to what a shocking swerve it makes at the 55 minute mark, when it abruptly ceases to be a plodding horror retread with the world's worst cinematography, and instead turns out to be a dark, campy romp through theatrical madness, with the world's worst cinematography. Fuhrman's performance gains new levels, Stiles suddenly wakes up - one suspects she was restraining herself a bit to sell the second part more, and much like the rest of it, that's a cold comfort during those first 55 minutes - and the whole thing becomes a bizarre war of wills and ludicrous line deliveries. It's still not, like good: the directing never improves, and far too much of the self-aware comedy springs from the notion "it's funny when people keep saying 'fuck', right?" But it is at least thoroughly giddy and delightfully tongue-in-cheek. Whether that redeems the entirety of Orphan: First Kill, I think is in the eye of the beholder. But it's fun to have trash horror with a pulse, anyways.
Tim Brayton is the editor-in-chief and primary critic at Alternate Ending. He has been known to show up on Letterboxd, writing about even more movies than he does here.
If you enjoyed this article, why not support Alternate Ending as a recurring donor through Patreon, or with a one-time donation via Paypal? For just a dollar a month you can contribute to the ongoing health of the site, while also enjoying several fun perks!
