Welcome to the final phase of the inaugural Golden Spoon Awards, where we put the “good” in “so bad it’s good” and celebrate the best of the year’s worst! First of all, if you have arrived at this post and have no idea what’s going on, catch yourself up here and here.
Second, I must once again heartily thank everyone who nominated films for and voted in the Golden Spoon Awards. I had no idea whether people would be interested in this, and in the big wide world, I still have no idea whether people are. But you weirdos made it work. You voted. You made your voices heard. So remember as you read: this is your fault.
Without further ado, let us present the inaugural table setting of Golden Spoon Awards. Any winners wishing to claim their prize may contact me through Alternate Ending, and I will send you a plastic spoon that I have personally painted gold. If you catch me early enough in the day, I might even spell your name right on the handle. Off we go!
Best Bad Movie
The Nominees Were…
- Ambulance
- Black Adam
- Men
- Moonfall
- Morbius
The Winner Is…
Ambulance.
Ambulance is a Michael Bay movie that is 136 minutes long. That is a lot of Michael Bay, all at once. And it is very much a Michael Bay movie, the whole package deal, for that entire 136 minutes. Which means that the story is complete nonsense, the characters are paper-thin approximations of pod people, and the performances are over-the-top and wildly self-indulgent. On the other hand, Ambulance is probably Bay’s most visually interesting movie since before he started barfing up Transformers-shaped hairballs every couple of months. The Michael Bay of lovingly-crafted crashes and explosions is the best Michael Bay, and in a year that provided slim pickings for enjoyable bad movies, you could spend two and a half far less enjoyable hours.
Best Director of a Bad Movie
The Nominees Were…
- Michael Bay, Ambulance
- Roland Emmerich, Moonfall
- Alex Garland, Men
- Jeff Tremaine, Jackass Forever
- Rob Zombie, The Munsters
The Winner Is…
Rob Zombie for The Munsters
Whatever you thought of Rob Zombie’s take on The Munsters, it could not be clearer that Rob Zombie really, really loves The Munsters. His film is a colorful, stylish, passionate tribute to sitcom humor, Universal monsters, cheapie-cheap makeup and special effects, and loving monster couples. Even if the sum ended up a little less than the parts, anybody who can watch it and not come away with a smile is a big old grouch.
Best Actor in a Leading Role in a Bad Movie
The Nominees Were…
- Pierce Brosnan as King Louis XVI, The King’s Daughter
- Jamie Foxx as Bud Jablonski, Day Shift
- Rory Kinnear as The Men, Men
- Jared Leto as Doctor Michael Morbius, Morbius
- Luke Macfarlane as Aaron, Bros
The Winner Is…
Rory Kinnear, Men.
Even for those of you who didn’t care for Men (by which I mean, everyone except me) acknowledged the Iwo Jima-level commitment of Rory Kinnear to about a dozen different roles in Alex Garland’s soapboxy Elevated Horror flick. That kind of commitment is what we celebrate when we hand out the Golden Spoon Awards. Even when you don’t, it’s always nice to know that someone believes in a project.
Best Actress in a Leading Role in a Bad Movie
The Nominees Were…
- Jessie Buckley as Harper, Men
- Daisy Edgar-Jones as Kya Clark, Where the Crawdads Sing
- Elsie Fisher as Lila, Texas Chainsaw Massacre
- Florence Pugh as Alice Chambers, Don’t Worry Darling
- Michelle Yeoh as Evelyn Wang, Everything Everywhere All at Once*
The Winner Is…
Florence Pugh, Don’t Worry Darling.
Let this be a small victory for Florence Pugh, who got swept up in an insane spectacle behind the scenes of Don’t Worry Darling to the point where she refused to do more than the minimum required publicity for the film. It’s a textbook example of a movie that thinks very highly of itself. Pugh’s wild-eyed performance as Katharine Ross is one of the only points in its favor on that particular scoreboard.
Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Bad Movie
The Nominees Were…
- John Bradley as K.C. Houseman, Moonfall
- Pierce Brosnan as Doctor Fate, Black Adam
- Jim Carrey as Doctor Eggman, Sonic the Hedgehog 2
- Keegan-Michael Key as “Honest” John, Pinocchio
- David Howard Thornton as Art the Clown, Terrifier 2
The Winner Is…
David Howard Thornton, Terrifier 2.
Terrifier 2 is the only Golden Spoon nominee I didn’t get around to seeing (and seriously, how is it legal for a grubby horror sequel to have a runtime of 138 minutes?), but a huge number of you clearly did, and you came out in droves for David Howard Thornton’s psychopathic Bizarro Pennywise. I suppose I’ll find that block of time somewhere. Thornton himself seems to be making a solid career out of Art the Clown, for which I can begrudge him nothing.
Best Actress in a Supporting Role in a Bad Movie
The Nominees Were…
- Angela Bassett as Ramonda, Black Panther: Wakanda Forever
- Kate Hudson as Birdie Jay, Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery
- Carrie Preston as Cora Whistler, They/Them
- Jean Smart as Elinor St. John, Babylon**
- Jessica Williams as Eulalie “Lally” Hicks,” Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore
The Winner Is…
Kate Hudson, Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery
Hudson ekes out a slim victory in the most contentious category, with almost every nominee having a solid faction behind her. Given how much invective AE readers as a group had for Chives Out, it’s all the more impressive that they felt so warmly towards Hudson’s portrayal of a clueless fashion designer. Most of the jokes in the movie that work are either hers or involve her somehow, though, so perhaps it’s not really a surprise.
Best Bad Screenplay
The Nominees Were…
- Judd Apatow and Pam Brady, The Bubble
- Roland Emmerich, Harald Kloser, and Spenser Cohen, Moonfall
- Theresa Rebeck and Simon Kinberg, The 355
- Matt Sazama and Buck Sharpless, Morbius
- Adam Sztykiel, Rory Haines, and Sohrab Noshrivani, Black Adam
The Winner Is…
Roland Emmerich, Harald Kloser, and Spenser Cohen for Moonfall
In a year that did not always deliver on the bad movie laughs, Moonfall’s extreme earnestness combined with the vapid silliness of its premise to deliver a story and dialogue that made us hoot and holler at all the best unintended moments. I was rooting for a Moonfall sweep, but I’ll take its victory in the one category it doubtlessly deserved.
SPECIAL SPOON: Best Performance by Christian Bale in a Bad Movie
The Nominees Were…
- Christian Bale as Burt Berendsen, Amsterdam
- Christian Bale as Augustus Landor, The Pale Blue Eye
- Christian Bale as Gorr the God-Butcher, Thor: Love and Thunder
The Winner Is…
Thor: Love and Thunder.
Christian Bale had a darn good 2022: he starred in three movies and was the best thing about all three of them. One of them even earned silly amounts of money! And it’s that one that Spoon voters chose as their Christian Bale standout, citing Bale’s tormented revenge-bent Gorr the God-Butcher as one of the few reasons to even approach Thor: Love and Thunder. Kudos to Bale on his Special Spoon, and we send him best wishes for appearing in a good film in 2023.
Sincere congratulations once again to our winners! It’s one thing to do great work in a great movie. It’s another entirely to do great work when you’re trapped under a pile of garbage and the only thing working in your favor is your own determination. See you next year with a brand new pile of Golden Spoons from 2023!
Mandy Albert teaches high school English and watches movies – mostly bad, occasionally good – in the psychedelic swamplands of South Florida. She is especially fond of 1970s horror and high-sincerity, low-talent vanity projects. You can listen to her and her husband talk about Star Trek: Enterprise on their podcast At Least There’s a Dog! You can also follow Mandy on Letterboxd.