Via Atrios and Tbogg, a new semi-meme: ten movies you just absolutely hate, and why.
The original poster suggests that these should be films that really offended you, morally or aesthetically, but I’m not perhaps so easily offended to produce a complete top 10. That said I think I can manage a list of things that are bad enough that anyone who’s really enthusiastic about them just needs to be bitchslapped.
Chronologically:
Ladri di biciclette (Vittorio De Sica, 1948) – I’ve said it before, but this is a rabidly unwatchable movie. It’s not attractive, it’s not well-acted, and the story is completely uncompelling.
Can Hieronymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness? (Anthony Newley, 1969) – I’m a known connoisseur of bad movies, so nothing’s going to get on this list for reasons of simple badness. But there are three kinds of bad movies: “fun” bad movies in the MST3K sense; bad movies that are boring and crappy, and you’re happy when they’re over; and this senseless “art” film, which evoked something close to physical pain when I watched it at B-Fest 2002. Given the moans from the crowd – all of them pros at this sort of thing – I believe that I was not alone.
September (Woody Allen, 1987) – Six people in a house for the weekend, nothing happens, and nobody cares. It would be a boring mess from anyone, but as this is an Allen film it’s simply unforgivable.
Happy Gilmore (Dennis Dugan, 1996) – mostly because it’s the only Adam Sandler film I’ve seen all the way through. Unfunny comedies are the least watchable films that exist, and there’s something about Sandler’s obnoxious manchild braying that is the very definition of unfunniness to me.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Ron Howard, 2000) – it’s bad enough that this is a remake of an unimpeachable classic. I’m also no fan of the frankly disturbing makeup (and Jim Carrey does a better Grinch face without any makeup at all). But what knocks it out of the park is it’s True Meaning of Christmas theme. Not because it’s hypocritically combines good cheer with capitalism – I’m used to that. But because it honestly seems to be saying that capitalism is the True Meaning of Christmas.
Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (George Lucas, 2002) – In all honesty, I actually think it’s better than The Phantom Menace. But I cannot name a film that more fully demonstrates a deliberate and almost hateful rejection of story and character in the godless name of Visual Effects. Did you know that for many scenes, Lucas shot all of his actors individually, so that he could composite them in however he wanted? Think about that the next time you want to dogpile on poor Hayden Christensen.
Signs (M. Night Shyamalan, 2002) – leaving aside the helpless screenplay – water? – let’s assume that everything the film says happens really does, and that God really exists. We essentially have the story about how God permits an alien invasion that results in millions of deaths so that a midwest preacher can regain his faith, having only lost it because of a God-induced freak accident. If I thought it was a deliberate argument for atheism, I might like it a bit more.
Dogville (Lars von Trier, 2003) – the director has plenty of slavering fanboys (most of whom seem to live on the east coast), but I find all of his films to be misogynist ravings without even the slightest hint of catharsis. This one adds a ridiculous 3-hour running time and pathetic cod-Brechtian staging style to produce the least-enjoyable film I have ever sat through.
The Passion of the Christ (Mel Gibson, 2004) – unspeakably grotesque. For two hours, a man is tortured to death. There is not the slightest attempt to make his death redemptive or cleansing. It’s only disgusting. I know that people exist who were moved to tears by this film, and I do not believe that I would ever like to have any sort of contact with them.
Garden State (Zach Braff, 2004) – a heavily Wes Anderson influenced two-hour commercial for Braff to demonstrate that he has AWESOME taste in music, and he sure deserves to get laid.
Edited: because these films all had directors, and that matters.