And now…
Back in the present day of September 10, 2021, Mama Reagan asks if he’s listening to her droning story about Daddy Reagan’s secret present. He lies that he is, while Freedom’s Guardian, a PETA representative (they go none of the many places I feared they would) comes to the Alan Colmes Show. There’s a nice shot of Reagan’s computer showing that beautiful, beautiful phrase “The End,” meaning I never have to recap a ReaganNarration again:
On TV, Colmes asks why Freedom is dying, and Mr. Guardian of PETA says that since Glory died, Freedom has been refusing his soy pseudo-rats. I will not explain this, so that you are as confused as I was. Mama Reagan admits that she has no idea what Daddy Reagan left, but that he told her to keep it until the time was right, and his 20th birthday seems like as good a day as any. Colmes suggests feeding Freedom live prey, which I guess is Mackey’s sign that Colmes is A-OK, because sacrificing people to Freedom is one of the Right’s big things these days.
Mr. Guardian is shocked – shocked! – that Colmes would propose murder, and I can’t really complain about this because one of the things that does piss me off about fringey animal-rights activists is their idea that predator animals should be vegans. Thus in 60 pages does Mackey say the first thing I agree with. Mama Reagan says that Daddy Reagan would be so proud, and Reagan sullenly replies that “I haven’t done anything for him to be proud of…”
“…yet,” he finishes, looking oh-so-suggestively at the TV, where Mr. Guardian announces that he’s euthanizing Freedom tomorrow, and we finally see that Freedom is the eagle that was prominently featured in Reagan’s volume two flashback. Would that have been so hard to say? Did you really just want that goddamn Freedom and Glory pun, asshole? Anyway, Reagan clearly has something in mind.
Time and space cease briefly to have meaning as G. Gordon Liddy looks at his bloody finger and compliments Diana on her nice shot. Diana, by the way, is currently in a catsuit and has a crucifix. She also has a penchant for stupid-ass puns.
Norscar pours colored liquids into each other and tells Liddy that he can’t blah bleh blaa the cellular bler de bler blah until Gordon is asleep, which I guess means that Diana had to tag him with a tranquilizer, and that’s kind of awesome, but not for the reason that Mackey thinks. I actually have no idea what Mackey thinks, and I thank God for this fact every time I write one of these.
Gordon idly wishes that Annie was operational, because they could use her tomorrow. Norscar responds that they need to get Liddy “five by five” before they worry about robots with PMS, and that is one of the best pairings of overcompensating military lingo with unbridled misogyny ever. Meanwhile, we see the leg of a robot woman in a white dress in the corner of a frame while Gordon wazes poetic on the massacre that she could commit upon the U.N. troops, and it hits me like a cinder block to the face that in the next issue we will see a cyborg Ann Coulter, which is inarguably less scary than the real one.
As Diana and Norscar lay Liddy out on a metal bed of some sort, he whines about having nightmares the last time they did “this.” I must say, I prefer Liddy’s way of describing things to Norscar’s. The ex-Muslim promises to do his best, and this must be good enough for him, because he gets this very post-orgasmic look on his face and falls alseep. Wavy green lines take us into:
The Mysterious
History Of
G. GORDON LIDDY
And goddammit if it doesn’t also bring us right back to the fucking ReaganNarration: “In 2006, terrorists tried to kill ever vocal conservative. And all the free healthe care in the world would not help those killed.” This is not actually an argument that anyone makes for why we should have universal healthcare. I want to say that on behalf of all progressives everywhere. And all sane people in general.
As the Narrator That Wouldn’t Die pukes his expository guts out on the page, a brief refresher: when last we saw 2006Liddy, he’d just stapled a pigskin to a Muslim for…well, it was for failing to show the proper respect to a vintage Harley Davidson motorcycle. Now he walks through a hospital,and there’s this funky Photoshop effect going on the prove that it’s aflashback, where the paper looks all textured and sandy. And green. I do not expect that Mackey will provide us with a specific explanation for why Liddy’s flashback is green, so here’s mine: absinthe. That’s what he was shot with, that’s what Norscar was mixing. The Freedom Of Information League is a den of absinthe junkie bohemians.
Here, by the way, is what it looks like:
On the subject of that Christhumping ReaganNarration, I just want to idly note that it must make writing polemics much easier when you’re explicitly not working in the real world, and you can just assume that your enemies will say whatever you want them to say. Here, I can do it too!
“In 2006, Michelle Malkin tried to kill every brown person in America. And all of the estate tax repeals in the world would not pay for their funerals. I was only a child, but I remember the Fox News anchors sucking the marrow from children’s bones.”
Reagan continues to go On and On and ON about how patriots never get mourned because liberals, yada yada yada. Norscar looks toward Liddy standing over Sean’s mangled body, and the narration still goes on about how some people did support the fallen patriots, by which he means that even in a coma Sean’s powerful force of omnisexual attraction can’t keep the scientist from developing a powerful mancrush.
Not Yet Blind Ollie stands over Sean as well, watching a news report on the destruction of the Weekly Standard building. He mentions the casualty list: Limbaugh, Ingraham, Snow, Mike Reagan, O’Reilly. Snow? What the high holy fuck is that? N.Y.B. Ollie sadly looks at Sean and intones that he is soon to join his b-list comrades, when Norscar steps up and announces that he shall save Sean! With his marvelous toys! Sean will be even better than ever!
Norscar asks for a quiet place to begin his experiments, and N.Y.B. Ollie Foreshadow of Dooms that he’ll be looking for a brace of eyes himself soon. Over Liddy’s shoulder, a breaking report announces that “infamous Watergate figure” G. Gordon Liddy is a wanted man. The horrifying notion that flits across my brain is that Mackey felt secure in name-dropping that scandal is because his audience views the Watergate break-in as a moral and necessary act, but I quickly discard that thought, because, nah…
A cop appears from nowhere in particular and pulls a gun on Liddy, as the TV ironically announces that he’s wanted for gun possession. Back in 2021, Norscar freaks out that Liddy’s nanites are reacting wrong, blah blah cellular reconstruction, la di da, 102% efficiency, de de dee immortality, lie la lie – huh?
Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
Immortal nanite-mutated G. Gordon Liddy. If it weren’t so late on a work night, I think I might have to drink steadily for the next ten minutes.
Norscar notes that a bullet in the heart can kill the hell-spawned beast he’s just birthed, but I’m not holding my breath to see that happen anytime soon, Chekhov be damned.
Back in 2006, a PR dude with weird hair mocks Liddy’s archaic belief in the Second Amendment and notes that the mandatory minimum on handgun possession in New York City is 30 years. Quickly, if the amendment was repealed, would a PR dude really still call it that? And also, good show by using the phrase “mandatory minimum,” Mr. Mackey, given that we liberals are the ones who oppose that most punitive of theories! Ho ho, your rhetoric has brought me low again! Speaking of cheap petty nastiness, the PR dude mentions the presence of pig and human blood in the warehouse where Liddy did a bad, bad thing, and lets us know that no body was found. I don’t want to consider the possibilities there, you sick motherfucker cannibal Liddy.
After an unforgivable two-page absence, the goddamn ReaganNarration comes back: in this new American era, yesterday’s patriots are today’s criminals,” and I have to stop typing because my hands are rebelling against that sentence. Literally, it took me four tries to spell “patriots” and two tries to spell “criminals.” My body is rejecting Liberality for All! I just want to make sure we’re all on the same page here.
In the next set of panels, Reagan WON’T FUCKING SHUT UP OH MY GOD and we see that the cop has “live tride” tatooed on his knuckles.
Reagan expresses his admiration of those who stand by the modern criminals, because they are the True Patriots, and my mind goes to the extremely ugly place where that sentence has been used as a defense of Southern racism. Liddy has the sweetest little grin on his face as the fake cop takes him away.
In 2021, Norscar is enthusiastic about the possibilities of using Liddy’s supernanites to fix everyone else, even though (likely because he was once a Muslim) his eyes are glowing bright red.
He and Diana talk a little bit about how goddamn creepy Annie is, and it’s nice to see you haven’t quite had that Kool-Aid, Mackey, and now for the first time I wonder if maybe it’s not Coulter? Like, are they talking about Ann Althouse? That would rock hard. Norscar thinks he recognizes technobabble technobabble.
In 2006, Liddy stops his motorcycle by a man in a Cumvee who orders him to get in. Liddy gets in. It turns out to be Closer To Being Blind Ollie, who talks about the liberals closing Manhattan’s FEMA base, because all of a sudden FEMA is the one government agency that black-helicopter type fringe conservatives have loved all along, and progressives just gnash our teeth and rage against that goddamn FEMA, sign of all that is wrong with government overreach. C.T.B.B. Ollie smiles that he and CyberOrMaybeJustCrippledSean “reopened” it. Liddy is petrified that he is riding with a man who cheerfully admits that he is going a little bit more blind each day.
And with good reason! C.T.B.B. Ollie is driving straight for the river! He’s going to kill both himself and G. Gordon Liddy, the martyred hero of Watergate!
Will Liddy survive to become immortal? Will Reagan EVER FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP? Find out in next week’s shocking installment Liberality for All!
My hands didn’t want to let me type “shocking,” either.