Many months ago, ACC Studios released the first in a eight-issue comics miniseries, Liberality for All. It was to be a monthly release.
It wasn’t.
Seven months later, it is my pleasure to introduce the second volume of the work that put the “horrible” in “really awesome horrible idea.”
For the whole story, here and here (and here).
And now…
We open in November 2006, 15 years before the last issue. I am extremely excited, because eventually we will be in the past, and then I can find out what happened in the last five years in the LiberalPresidentGoreAlternaLand, which, if I had to guess, would not include the systematic wiretapping of American citizens without the authorization of the FISA court.
Anyway, it’s the Hannity & Colmes set and they’re discussing Vice President Hillary Clinton, who apparently replaced Joe Lieberman because he didn’t support Gore’s desire to cut the military budget in order to fund domestic social programs. Clinton is 100% behind this.
A) No, she really wouldn’t be.
B) God, that sounds nice. Why don’t we have a government like that?
Predictably, Hannity is shocked – shocked! – to find that liberal governing is going on here, and Colmes asks what’s wrong with reducing the bloated military. “BLOATED?” shrieks Sean. “We are abandoing military bases world wide, like rats leaving a sinking ship. Over the past six years, President Gore has done nothing but gut the military and grovel before the United Nations. As opposed to increase military spending, ignore the UN, and launch an obscenely costly war whose sole purpose is the establishment of permamenent military bases in the mideast, thereby assuring the United States retains military control over the local oil fields.” I made part of that up.
Oh, and here’s a list of the 2005 daily cost ($195,000,000) of the Iraq War. It has a breakdown of what one day in Iraq could buy. My favorites:
-One day in Iraq could employ 4,269 elementary school teachers or 4,027 secondary school teachers for one year.
-One day in Iraq could provide health insurance coverage for one year to 380,900 uninsured children in America.
-One day in Iraq could build 5,571 AIDS clinics in Africa.
Back to you, Sean!
Anyway, Colmes goes the other direction, saying that the UN will protect us, and we don’t need a strong military. Donny Lin has drawn Colmes to look incredibly evil in this frame, our first good closeup of the man. He’s got this hideous sneer, and his eyebrow is arched above his head. Of course, given that Alan Colmes already looks like a skull with less than half the skin it needs stretched over, this isn’t necessarily a bad drawing. Also, I’m surprised to see Colmes with balls.
Now’s as good a time as any to mention that I figured out why Sean Hannity had the book on his show last week – it gives him a square jaw. If there’s one thing Sean does not have, it’s a square jaw. His head is a nearly perfect oval.
They cut to Oliver North, their South Korean war correspondent. Apparently Kim Jong-Il has set his sights on invading Seoul, and US Marines are dropping like flies. I’m not entirely show how “we’ve gutted the military” is compatible with “we’re leading a coalition to protect South Korea.” I do like the verisimilitude, though – the neocons refused to put military pressure on North Korea, and that’s part of why they have nukes now. So until I’m told otherwise, I’m going to assume that North Korea doesn’t have nukes because we went to war with them, Iraq doesn’t have nukes because they weren’t developing them, and Iran doesn’t have nukes because they weren’t scared shitless by the war in Iraq. It’s paradise!
Ollie talks about how the UN backup isn’t coming…they’re running out of ammo…they’ve lost 100 men already…the Humvees lack proper shielding…they have no body armor…(I made part of that up). He Segue O’ Funs across the page saying, “I have never seen anything like this. It’s like…HELL!” as a Jeep explodes. Ollie turns to the camera and proclaims “that was too close. America needs to know that President Gore has betrayed the-” and then the feed dies. That sounds like it might have been a non-sequitur coming up. Or maybe Gore was blowing up Marines! That librul bastard!
A little boy is watching this last part in his living room, when Sean comes back on. Me, I don’t like to think of five-year-olds watching war footage. Or Sean Hannity. But I would take it on faith that I think of childrearing in a different way than people who support Bush.
Anyway, Sean exposits that the US military is now controlled by the UN, and that the UN hates puppies. He then introduces “conservative talk show host G. Gordon Liddy.” Liddy is in town for a protest rally (but aren’t protest rallies evil? Or is it one of those things that’s okay if you’re a Republican) against the renaming of Freedom Tower to Unity Tower. Colmes asks what’s wrong with global unity, and Liddy answers by calling Gore a pussy-ass girly boy gaywad, only not in exactly those words.
Back in the living room of the near altfuture, we see that the little boy is playing in front of the TV while his parents watch Sean whore his and Gordon’s book signing at Atoz the next day. Gordon name drops Sean’s title – Injustice and Liberality for All – as Daddy tells Mommy that it will be okay in Korea, and he’s just doing his patriotic duty by going off to die. Oh, those good conservatives, following the military even if they disagree with the war. Why can’t leftists be more like that? (Ans: moral imperative). Mommy is worried about losing money more than her husband, because she wanted Reagan (ah! That’s who we’re watching! Who would have guessed?) to get into a good college. Daddy Reagan says it will be okay, as long as Reagan’s parents love him, which is a surprsingly un-anti-gay way of saying it. Reagan, by the way, has soulless eyes and no mouth. Mommy and Reagan agree to go to Sean’s signing to get that book that Daddy wanted, which Reagan excitedly guesses is for the trip to Korea. Mommy promises that Daddy will be back home soon, which is odd given that he hasn’t left yet.
The next day at school, we get our first ReaganNarration of the issue:” There is nothing more patriotic than the freedom of speech.” I don’t think that “the” belongs there. Anyway, the kids are all pledging to the US flag (with a nice panel of the UN flag to the side. So public schools still promote nationalism? Then what’s the big deal?) Reagan adds the “under God clause, as Narrator Reagan adds “As long as you don’t way the wrong thing. The teacher pulls Reagan aside angrily and screams that “God” cannot be said on school property. She tells him to think about other cultures and look outside at the flagpole (US/UN) while he ponders his misdeeds.
Narrator Reagan snarks about being sick of the hyper-sensitive, and I just want to unamusingly insert: it’s not hypersensitivity to point out that the pledge in its current form is anti-Establishment. And if a Muslim or Buddhist kid is forced to pledge to the Christian God, that is harrassment. Period. Besides the pledge itself is a dubious thing, but let’s not get into that.
Anyway, Reagan (whose political philosophy is very well-formed for a five-year-old, like, good job with the indoctrination, parents) watches some vandals lower the UN flag and spray a giant X on it. their leader has a leather jacket with “patriot” written on it, and he notices Reagan watching. He flashes the younger kid a thumbs up as Narrator Reagan complains that the Constitution doesn’t safeguard the right not to be offended. Which, again, harrassment and offense are not the same thing, so don’t conflate them. God being pushed in schools creates a hostile environment.
Reagan snottily tells the teacher that he learned his lesson as she notices the graffiti and shouts “oh, my God!” Hah, it’s ironical! I should mention at this point that the teacher is clearly meant to be a butch lesbian, with a weird cropped haircut and mannish clothes.
Mommy picks Reagan up and asks if he learned anything. He cagily answers “yes,” and asks what a patriot is as they walk underneath the desecrated flag. Mommy describes a patriot as someone who loves and defends his country, and Reagan asks if Daddy is a patriot. Mommy says yes. In the background, a billboard advertises the endangered bald eagles at the Bronx Zoo, and I just have no idea what to make of that: isn’t protecting endangered species a liberal pet project? Is the point that it’s horrible that in LiberalWorld eagles are in zoos?
Reagan decides he’s going to be a patriot, and Stepford Mommy is very proud. I am suddenly reminded of Al Franken’s musing from Lies and the Lying Liars who Tell Them:
“[conservatives] love America the way a four-year-old loves mommy. Liberals love America like grown-ups. To a four-year-old, everything Mommy does is wonderful and anyone who criticizes Mommy is bad. Grown-up love means actually understanding what you love, taking the good with the bad, and helping your loved one grow. Love takes attention and work and is the best thing in the world.”
I’d ask Reagan to keep that in mind, except that we already know he doesn’t.
Narrator: “My mother told me we were once a rich country. It was not our high taxes that robbed us of our country’s riches…nor foreign hands twhich emptied our swelled coffers. In fact, our riches had nothing to do with money.” That makes no sense to me…if taxes and forign aid didn’t ruin our country, what did? How in the hell is that a conservative argument to make? It’s sounds like something I would say.
Mommy and Reagan meet sean at the book store (“A to Z,” not Atoz, good work on the dialogue bubble earlier), where he apologizes for Liddy having fled already. Sean is thrilled to find out that the book is for a soldier doing his patriotic-like duty. Narrator Reagan continues: “The riches were its citizens’ rights which were slowly eroded.” See? Totally something I would say! The problem in modern America is the loss of civil rights! I’m back to thinking this is a parody.
Reagan tells Sean that Daddy is a patriot, while fingering Sean’s flag (no! The American flag on his desk! Perverts!). Sean says that Daddy is a great American, and he slips Reagan the flag (no! The same flag on the desk!). Reagan waves bye with the flag, and says happily, “See ya later, Mr. Hannity!” Yes you will, poor child…yes you will.
Next time: Indians get blown up, and Liddy says “Islamofascist” unironically.