Facts:
-Blanching almonds, while easy, takes a really fucking long time.
-Having a cold and baking is a dismal combination.
– I have, in the past four days, baked the following types of cookies: chocolate chip, chewy chocolate chip, gingerbread, coconut macaroons, orange macaroons, Sienese macaroons, chocolate butter, molasses spice.
But, my public awaits the continuation of my Liberality for All review. And I do not ignore my public, for more than a week or two anyway.
The events that, God knows, led us to where we are today.
And now…
Sean keeps yammering on about how feckin’ kewl he is, because he broadcasts in defiance of The Man, on underground and illegal channels. He name-drops the “Coulter Laws,” the U.N. anti-hate speech laws, thus explaining why Malking and Drudge are the two greatest criminals in the country. The idea is not bitterly unclever, even though we all know that the proposed legislation is in fact called the “O’Reilley Law” such a law could never be passed. Sean calls Jeff, a caller,”lib,” and chortles about how he just violated one of those very laws. Because “liberal” is hate speech, and that’s why everyone one the left uses it. We’re reclaming the word. Like gays and “queer.”
In narration, Reagan keeps talking about The Few, The Proud, The Brave, The Conservative, while we see a small cabal of listeners in a warehouse of some sort enjoy Hannity ripping Lib Jeff a new one because Jeff says in very polite tones that it might be worthwhile to give Ambassador bin Laden (after two weeks, I’d forgotten how goofy that was to type. Who the fuck is this guy?) the benefit of the doubt. Sean launches into a laundry list the the evils perpetrated on America by the “liberal left”: the military has been left under command of the U.N. (accompanied by a picture of a very sad U.N. peacekeeper stroking a tattered American flag, which looks more Of Mice and Men than anything); “God” was taken out of the pledge and off of money (picture of a penny, “In Peace We Trust,” and I agree, that’s a horrible sentiment); Iraq, Iran, and the Unified Republic of Korea have all recently acquired nukes. And given that the Bush-led country has made it all but certain that two of those countries will have nukes long before 2021, I don’t see how this is a…oh, right, because in RightWingLand, the preznit is gonna take on all of those evildoers and stop their nuke programs. Gotcha.
Reagan keeps blathering onto the next page about how “entitled” his generation feels, just like every other generation in American history except the ones what fought WWII. Reagan calls the Hannity show, and Sean compliments his voice (HoYay!) Reagan admits that he’d like to be in radio. Sean and Reagan talk about F.O.I.L. – the Freedom Of Information League – who have in life no greater motive than waking America out of its liberality-induced haze. It is composed of both pundits and their devoted listeners. I will thus be hereupon referring to F.O.I.L. as the DA – Dittohead Army.
The U.N. Good Taste police find a Greyhound bus broadcasting Sean’s show, and realize that it is being radio-controlled from…I don’t know. And it doesn’t end up mattering. Sean hears them, and asks “Oscar” and “G-Man” to get ready. Reagan Won’t! Stop! Talking! and I’m not going to synopsize it anymore. The U.N. men burst into Sean’s room in the back of the bus, and he…
He…
He shots a lightning bolt out of his cybernetic left arm and stuns the police.
I’m going to need a moment.
Okay.
Sean tears open the roof of his bus as G-Man promises to be there in ten seconds. Sean bursts out of the bus with the words “It’s CRUNCH TIME!” in big fonts, so you know he’s being a Bad Ass. Oscar remains in communication with Sean, and technobabbles a bit about setting up Sean’s arm for an E.M. Pulse. G-Man arrives (“At least 12 seconds!” bitches Sean…Sean, it is you!). The U.N. men try to arrest the two, and then the second great moment of this comment occurs. One U.N. official identifies as “Herr Liddy” (making him 90 years old, and I hope to hell he turns out to be a clone, or something), but Liddy ignores him, cradling the rifle Sean has just tossed him, and monologuing, “The XM-9…You know, I evaluated the XM-8 model for the NRA. Before the organization was officially disbanded…So many cold, dead hands.“
I hope Frank Miller is watching his back, because that is some writing, my friends.
Liddy acts all “I luuuuuuvs my gun,” and gets all snotty with the U.N. guards about how he can reprogram any gun to get around the user-identification chip. They draw a bead on him and Hannity, and then Sean triggers his arm EMP, and the guards’ guns deactiveate with a “zmmm” noise. Reagan says “…has been diverted by poor leadership,” and I am seriously confused, until I realize that it’s a continuation of a thought from one page and five fucking panels ago, and even when I reread it, it’s stupid, so I’m not quoting it. Liddy snarks that the U.N. men would call a “rifle” a “gun,” and and he and Hannity peel off on a motorcycle as the U.N. fires and Reagan jerks off all over my comic book.
Liddy and Hannity speed away as the head guard fires at them with a Luger. Liddy speaks of it admiringly. A luck shot nails Sean’s cyberarm, and sends it into overload, or something. It goes THOOM and shoots out blue waves of something apparently deadly. Actually, I guess it’s a bigger EMP. Anyway, Sean drops his laptop, and Luger-User picks it up with look of fear and disgust. Doubtlessly, this is because Sean’s porn is prominently displayed on the desktop.
Liddy and Sean drive…okay, I can’t follow the geography at all. Some dialogue passes that implies the laptop was deliberately left behind, and they enter a submarine that looks like a sperm in barbed chainmail.
Sean names it the “Manatee,” and asks Oscar to bring it in by remote. Oscar says he’s lost the signal from Sean’s cyberarm. Sean asks if a new one is ready, and Oscar does his best Q impression as he whines that it’s only been three months. Sean’s nose is bleeding from his EMPs, except I hope it turns out to be cancer, like Scully in season 4 of The X-Files.
The Manatee comes to rest with a “spooch” noise that confirms, to me, it’s spermishness.
“Do you think the info on the laptop surved the EMP?” Liddy asks, and Sean say he hopes so. Ollie (yeah, that Ollie…we don’t know it yet, but it’s that Ollie) pops up to talk about the success of “Operation X-Ray,” which and involved taking an x-ray of bin Laden’s briefcase. It is not clear to me whether “Operation X-Ray of bin Laden’s Briefcase” had already been taken, and that’s why that had to settle for the floridly poetic name they went with.
A dog runs up to Sean and says “ruff! Ruff!” I though you should know, because the framing of the panel certainly wants to make sure you notice.
Ollie North proclaims in horror that bin Laden has smuggled “an Iraqi designed suitcase nuke” into the U.N. Liddy ominously wonders when it will detonate. Sean picks up his dog, Marty, and says hi to him Because nukes are one thing, but Marty, he’s a good boy! Whosagoodboy? Martysagoodboy!
Reagan yammers about how saving America will take “bravery and ingenuity and…”[segue to last page]”the right heroes determined to make it happen.” The last page is a heroic tableau of North in the upper left, Liddy in the upper center, Hannity square in the middle, and Marty in the bottom right. Marty does not look happy that the Left controls America. Everyone else looks constipated. Actually, Sean looks kind of drunk.
To be continued…