Previously in Liberality for All: Reagan McGee is a dirty goddamn liar who writes “THE END” without actually meaning it, so when I think that he’s done with that ricockulous narration that NEVER! EVER! STOPS, he’s really just getting a glass of water or something, I don’t know. Also, we see G. Gordon Liddy flashback to the time he was stuck full of nanites that, in 2021, have made him immortal. The question of whether Liddy is analagous to a brain-eating zombie or a blood-sucking vampire has not yet been addressed.
The “Manatee,” or as we like to call it ’round here, the Chainmail Sperm Sub dips under the water as C.T.B.B. Ollie snerks that Hillary scrapped the “top secret toys” at the same time she closed all the bases. Would that be Vice President Hillary? Or Senator Hillary? Because in this universe there’s hardly any time for it to be the latter, but as everybody knows, the Vice President of the United States has no meaningful control over the actions taken by the military sorry, reality-based moment there. I mean to say, of course, that “Hillary” is for these people the embodiment of the Left (which is clearly incorrect), and so saying that “Hillary closed the bases” is saying the same thing as “our disgustingly pacifist enemies who are concerned only with creating a nanny state closed the bases, and not actually Hillary Clinton, given that she is one of the most hawkish leading Democrats, to the point where the progressive base of that party wants very badly for anyone else to get the Preisdential nomination in 2008.”
Liddy asks C.T.B.B. Ollie what happened to his hand, and rather than saying “it was drawn as a perfect rectangle,” he responds, “just a minor mishap.” So, in addition to writing, Mike Mackey is the letterer on Liberality for All, and I’ve been wanting to mention for a long time how weird his use of bold-face is, but here it just gets parodistic. Do you mean that young people squeezed your hand, Ollie? Then shut up. As they drive along, Ollie plays tour guid for Liddy, pointing out that the new F.O.I.L. base is nuke-proof, and has an underwater entry. We also get a great shot of the Chainmail Sperm.
Because of the Coulter Laws, it’s appropriate that the base is underground. Okay, that’s not the exact quote, but it doesn’t come any closer to making sense, so let’s skip ahead: Liddy and C.T.B.B. Ollie meet CyberSean and Red-Eye Norscar, and Sean tries to shake Liddy’s hand without crushing it. His head is bizaarely rectangular as he does so.
Back in the wide-awake world of 2021, Norscar fears that rebooting the nanites will give Liddy nightmares, contra his promise. This of course means that the Ironic Segue Fairy needs to pay us a visit:
[wavylineswavylineswavylines]
Liddy is naked in bed. NIGHTMARE! Oh, wait, it’s because he just had sex. G. GORDON LIDDY HAVING SEX! DOUBLE NIGHTMARE!!!! The woman leans over and coos, “Wake up G.G. It’s time for our…’staff meeting’.” G. GORDON LIDDY HAVING SEX WITH NAUGHTY PUNS! QUADRUPLE-STRENGTH MEGA SUPREME ULTRANIGHTMARE!!!!one!
And…now the Ironic Segue Fairy pays us a visit, because the woman he rolls over to see is:
Liddy jerks up with a scream, and Diana and her pointy breasts smirk at him. A patented LFA “Time and space have no meaning whatsoever” cut brings us to a F.O.I.L. staff meeting, where Norscar blathers about how he might endeavor to save Blind Ollie’s eyes, and Liddy murmurs that he only now knows what fear truly is. The Alan Colmes Show is on, and it’s the same episode Reagan was watching earlier in the same issue, so it must be all artsy and time-discontinuous an’ shit. Anyway, seeing Colmes whore out the Unity Tree reminds Norscar that he has an appointment. Colmes jump cuts to a point waaaaay further along in the interview with Freedom’s Guardian as Norscar rises, so maybe it’s not artsy: maybe it’s just a Colmes highlights tape? Ah, how glad I am that Liberality for All doesn’t even succeed at that simple chronological shift. Boringness ensues – more boring than usual, I mean – as Liddy watches an interview we’ve already seen, and given the emphasis on the moment when Freedom’s Guardian talks about euthanizing Freedom, I assume that Liddy has come onto the same idea that Reagan had, but he looks completely braindead (the Liddy: Which Monster is He? Official Ranking: Zombie, 1; Vampire, 0).
Also, I think I’ve figured out why Colmes of all goddamn people is the Voice of the Liberal Media: he, Michael Moore and Al Franken are the only media liberals that the Black Helicopter Crowd has actually heard of.
HOO-FUCKING-RAH, ReaganNarration is back, and it’s even become meta-narrative: “As I write this essay, tomorrow is the 20th anniversary of September 11th, and coincidentally, my birthday.” Reagan, that is so not a coincidence. Also, that is a prime place for the phrase “September 11th attacks,” because otherwise it just makes no sense. Hey everyone, today is the 169th anniversary of August 13th!
Reagan rambles on about you know what, I’m not even going to read it. I will say that it is over the image of a tree with really malformed pears, or something, and a plaque reading “May the fruit of this tree satisfy the children left behind by September 11, 2001.” Harsh. And liberals aren’t even the ones who hate the 9/11 survivors. Right, Ann? Reagan gets miffy about “unity,” and we see a shot of the skyscraper that has been built over the WTC site, and I presume it’s a U.N. building, because the zombiefied remains of Jacques Chirac are in the penthouse.
Blond is unconcerned about the MacGuffin Machine after 34 years, and when Chirac asks if the conservative dissidents who they forgot about 15 years ago have finally been taken care of, Mr. Blond ee-villy replies that Matt Drudge was arrested by U.N. forces, and his website has been shut down (you will recall, or more likely won’t, that Michelle Malkin’s arrest in issue 1 left Drudge the Most Wanted). Drudge “committed suicide” during the arrest.
Cut to an angle of Chirac and Mr. Blond, as well as a mysterious shadow figure. Chirac at last identifies Mr. Blond by name: “Commander Hissler, what of F.O.I.L.?” Hissler, you say? I’d like to quote a friend of mine from college: “Why didn’t they just call him “Baddy McBad-bad?”
Hissssssler looks at Shadow Man, and thanks “Dr. Noor Ilham” for coming along to help decode CyberSean’s laptop. NORSCAR! You damn dirty bastard! “See,” Mackey tells us, “Even though I gave him a chance, he’s still a filthy Moslem. Traitorous fuck.”
Noor (no nickname for you) announces that he will be able to track down the precise location of F.O.I.L. Where he just came from. Oh, double agent. You can be Norscar again. He promises Chirac and Boo!Hiss!ler that nothing will stop bin Laden’s speech. Narrator Reagan intones that “sometimes, you just don’t know who to trust.” And Norscar looks really scary in this panel. And he was really cagey about why he was leaving the others earlier. But if he wanted to betray F.O.I.L. he wouldn’t need the laptop. This makes no sense. And I have already spent too much time on it, so here’s an image of Hissler:
