The Worst Film Month of the year sputters to a close (again: dear God Almighty, why did I spend money on The Pink Panther?), and so your average cinephile can begin to walk past the movie theater without throwing up in his or her mouth a little bit.

3.3.2006
Ultraviolet opens for real, having been pushed back, and now that I’ve seen a trailer, I’m kind of intrigued; it looks like shit, but such colorful Day-Glo shit! In good-to-bearable films, Bruce Willis star in 16 Blocks, which looks like a by-the-numbers “dirty cops” film (and the title is a little too twee), but Willis does that stuff so well, and director Richard Donner has the right curriculum vitae for the material. Tweens get their very own Splash in Aquamarine, and because I could not possibly be the target audience any less, it’s not fair for me to bitch about it. Joyeux Noël finally comes to the states; it looks pretty gloppy (and the French do not do gloppy well at all) but the Oscar nomination means I probably should at least try to see it. Last is the documentary Dave Chappelle’s Block Party, whose trailer was simultaneously off-putting and amazing; when I saw the director’s name (Michel Gondry), I knew I’d be seeing it either way.

10.3.2006
The new unnecessary horror remake The Hills Have Eyes has some unnecessary horror competition: The Zodiac and one-time Swedish Oscar nominee Evil. Hills worked once before and might just do it again, but the other two look hopeless.

And yet they’re the best of the week: a new Tim Allen vehicle (remake of The Shaggy Dog), a really overbaked-looking costume drama (The Libertine, with a cast far too good for it), and – sweet Jesus – a Matthew McConaughey/Sarah Jessica Parker romcom (Failure to Launch) are not the stuff of top-drawer filmmaking.

17.3.2006
No film this year is more worrisome to me than V for Vendetta, which will hopefully prove that you can make a good Alan Moore film; but the trailer makes it look altogether post-Matrix, which is an awful fit for the story.

Another teen Shakespeare adaptation craps its way into theaters (She’s the Man, after Twelfth Night, or What You Will), and may I just say FUCK YOU Hollywood. An indie comedy from Sundance 2005, Thank You For Smoking, has a right good trailer, but buzz is that it’s pretty facile.

If I lived in New York or Los Angeles, I could see the new Wim Wenders film this week. But I don’t, so I can’t.

24.3.2006
Spike Lee has what looks to all apperances like a generic caper film in Inside Man, but I expect there’s a bit more up his sleeve. Fantastic cast, too (not just the big three; Willem Dafoe and Chiwetel Ejiofor, as well). Another teen horror film (is this typical for March? Have I just forgotten) that I won’t actually be going to, now that interesting movies are opening, Stay Alive (of all goddamn people, Frankie Muniz is in this). Last and least, Larry the Cable Guy’s movie.

31.3.2006
Sequel to Ice Age (why?), sequel to Basic Instinct (what the holy fuck?) and Slither, which I can’t tell if it’s going to be tongue-in-cheek or not. But it stars Nathan “Firefly” Fillion, and that gives me hope.

So okay, March sucks. But April! That‘s when the real good movies start coming out, right?

I hate American film distribution.