With 2008 come to its dreary end in a massively over-stuffed December, it probably makes sense that 2009 begins with a fairly light slate of the usual program fillers: horrid-looking chick flicks and horror pictures. Why, the first Friday of the year doesn’t have any new releases, just a few of the already-released Oscarbaiters poking their heads up outside of New York and Los Angeles.
Anyways, here’s to a better year in cinema, although the first month certainly doesn’t augur too well…
9.1.2009
When I first saw the trailer for The Uninvited (opening the 30th), I thought, “That is the ultimate bad horror movie title. Two words, the first is ‘The’, the second begins with ‘Un-‘. No way does that get topped anytime soon.”
The very next trailer I saw was for The Unborn. The moral? Never say “no way”.
Don’t like shitty possession movies? Thank God that there’s a shitty girly movie just for you, Anne Hathaway’s extraordinarily ill-timed follow-up to Rachel Getting Married, in which she and BFF Kate Hudson spar over a single calendar day for their long-dreamt of weddings: Bride Wars.
I have no idea what Not Easily Broken is about, but it would almost have to be better than the alternatives.
16.1.2009
The annual “Bad Even By Happy Madison Standards” Happy Madison production for 2009 is Paul Blart: Mall Cop featuring Kevin James in the Chekhovian role of a fat man on a Segway.
Notorious, meanwhile, is not a remake of the beloved Hitchcock Nazi-hunter tale, but a biopic of Biggie Smalls. Hell, it’s been a while since the last musical biopic, maybe it will be okay. *cough*
The second horror picture in as many weeks, My Bloody Valentine 3-D would seem to suffer from a poorly-chosen release date, but as it turns out, Valentine’s Weekend has a slasher movie of its very own, and one that no amount of counter-programming could hope to overcome. So even if it’s a annoying move, it’s one that makes sense. I am at any rate pleased to see a 3-D slasher remake, given that it seems like a monumental pairing of two completely awful trends that I can’t abide, and given that I’ve never had a chance to see the genre’s standard-bearer, Friday the 13th, Part 3-D in its intended format. Kudos on the ridiculous tagline, too: “Nothing says ‘date movie” like a 3-D ride to hell!” Actually, I can think of several things.
Hotel for Dogs is exactly what you think it is.
23.1.2009
Man, have you been waiting for a prequel to the Underworld franchise? Tough shit, because you’re getting one anyway: Underworld: Rise of the Lycans.
You’re also getting another in the inexplicable string of Brendan Fraser adventure movies: Inkheart, a kid’s movie about a magic book. And something with the irresistably terrible title Donkey Punch.
30.1.2009
Okay, now we get The Uninvited. Of the two “Un-” movies, I think this one might end up being better. I have no reason at all to believe this.
Plus: New in Town, some kind of dramedy or Grrl power film or something else that I don’t know, starring Renée Zellweger’s dying career. And Taken, with Liam Neeson as a badass motherfucker who fucks shit up under the guiding hands of Pierre Morel and the Luc Besson School of Badass Motherfucking. It speaks volumes that this is the closest January comes to a movie that I’m legitimately interested in seeing.