Tomorrow, the Oscar nominations are announced, and it would seem that I’m somewhat in the minority in expecting to find them hellishly uninteresting across the board. I am not perhaps so intense as this gentleman in checking out of the awards season, but it’s been a pleasure to respond to the constant love accruing to movies I loved with guilt, liked without loving, or flat-out hated with a hearty, “what the hell do I care?” and moving on to more important things, like flossing.

Still, it’s not going to keep me from posting what now becomes an annual list of the awards that I would give out in the perfect fantasy world where I ran the Academy like a petty dictatorship. Or maybe let’s call them the “Antagonists”, a trophy in which a little gold French director is beating a little gold Michael Bay in the face with a little gold blackjack. I shall announce my winners the night before the Oscar ceremony, WHICH I STILL DO NOT INTEND TO WATCH, though ask me if my resolve holds in a few more weeks.

In a better world, there would be a little essay with each of these lists, but I’m feeling too lousy for that right now. Maybe when I do the winners.

Best Feature
Coraline
In the Loop
The Limits of Control
A Serious Man
You, the Living

Best Director
Roy Andersson, You, the Living
Olivier Assayas, Summer Hours
Joel Coen & Ethan Coen, A Serious Man
Henry Selick, Coraline
Agnès Varda, The Beaches of Agnès

Best Actor
Nicolas Cage, The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call: New Orleans
Sam Rockwell, Moon
Souleymane Sy Savane, Goodbye Solo
Toni Servillo, Il divo
Ben Whishaw, Bright Star

Best Actress
Hiam Abbass, Lemon Tree
Abbie Cornish, Bright Star
Yolande Moreau, Séraphine
Gabourey Sidibe, Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire
Tilda Swinton, Julia

Best Supporting Actor
Peter Capaldi, In the Loop
Zach Galifianakis, The Hangover
Paul Schneider, Bright Star
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
Red West, Goodbye Solo

Best Supporting Actress
Rona Lipaz-Michael, Lemon Tree
Mo’Nique, Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire
Samantha Morton, The Messenger
Marife Necesito, Mammoth
Maribel Verdú, Tetro

Best Cast
In the Loop
Inglourious Basterds
The Limits of Control
A Serious Man
Summer Hours

Best Original Screenplay
(500) Days of Summer, by Scott Neustadter and Michael H. Weber
Duplicity, by Tony Gilroy
A Serious Man, by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
Summer Hours, by Olivier Assayas
Up, by Bob Peterson and Pete Docter

Best Adapted Screenplay
Coraline, by Henry Selick
Fantastic Mr. Fox, by Wes Anderson & Noah Baumbach
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, by Steve Kloves
In the Loop, by Jesse Armstrong & Simon Blackwell & Armando Iannucci & Ian Martin & Tony Roche
The Informant!, by Scott Z. Burns

Best Animated Feature
Coraline
Fantastic Mr. Fox
The Princess and the Frog
A Town Called Panic
Up

Best Foreign-Language Feature
35 Shots of Rum
Il divo
Police, Adjective
Summer Hours
You, the Living

Best Documentary Feature
Anvil! The Story of Anvil
The Beaches of Agnès
Burma VJ: Reporting from a Closed Country
Food, Inc.
Of Time and the City

Best Cinematography
Coraline (Peter Kozachik)
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Bruno Delbonnel)
Nine (Dion Beebe)
A Serious Man (Roger Deakins)
Where the Wild Things Are (Lance Acord)

Best Editing
Duplicity (John Gilroy)
Goodbye Solo (Ramin Bahrani)
The Limits of Control (Jay Rabinowitz)
Of Time and the City (Liza Ryan-Carter)
A Serious Man (Joel Coen & Ethan Coen AKA “Roderick Jaynes”)

Best Production Design
Avatar (Rick Carter & Robert Stromberg)
Bright Star (Janet Patterson)
Fantastic Mr. Fox (Nelson Lowry)
Moon (Tony Noble)
Where the Wild Things Are (K.K. Barrett)

Best Costume Design
Bright Star (Janet Patterson)
The Brothers Bloom (Beatrix Aruna Pasztor)
An Education (Odile Dicks-Mireaux)
The Limits of Control (Bina Daigeler)
Star Trek (Michael Kaplan)

Best Makeup
Dead Snow
Inglourious Basterds
The Road

Best Score
Coraline (Bruno Coulais & They Might Be Giants)
Duplicity (James Newton Howard)
The Informant! (Marvin Hamlisch)
Inkheart (Javier Navarrete)
Up (Michael Giacchino)

Best Sound Mixing
Avatar
Inglourious Basterds
Invictus
Public Enemies
Up

Best Sound Editing
Avatar
District 9
Inglourious Basterds
Star Trek
Up

Best Visual Effects
Avatar
Moon
Where the Wild Things Are