We pick up with a Fox News report at A to Z Atoz books. Over a dozen people were killed, so obviously Sean Hannity was the target. The reporter says that he is not expected to survive. Damn you for teasing us, Fox News lady! Of course, seeing lies come off that channel is, um, not surprising.
Page 21: Noor Ilham stands shell-shocked, holding the book. The Fox News lady tries to interview him, but he’s all mumbly an’ shit. He suddenly realizes that his wife and baby are dead, and looks sadly at the book. Meanwhile, Narrator Reagan pontificates all “It’s sad when people lose liberty, bler blah bler,” and I’m not going to put myself through the pain of writing it all down when you can just damn well click on the link.
In a very cinematic-type cut, it’s 2021 again, and Noor is still looking at the book. Oh, how sad! 15 years later, he’s still angry and lost! Sean’s metal arm comes into frame, touching Noor’s shoulder comfortingly, but my opinion? Ain’t nothing comforting about a cyborg Hannity pawing at you. Sean asks, “Oscar?” meaning that Mackey no longer has to deal with having a sympathetic Muslim, because obviously Noor is so upset over his loss that he has renounced his past and accepted Sean’s tedious, TV science fiction-based nickname. At any rate, I will be calling him “Norscar” for the remainder of this recap.
Page 22: Norscar insists that he’s fine, but Sean knows what’s up. He assures Norscar that Rahma and Little Conservative would be proud of him. A very weird cut across the 180 degree line (hey, if Mackey wants it to be a movie, I’ll accomodate him) switches the two from right to left and vice versa, and Sean non-sequiturs, “Tell me abou this new BTA,” like it wasn’t sad just three seconds ago. Norscar avers that it’s his masterpiece, made from a new piece of software stolen from the Department of Peace, though of course it’s not “stolen” because the Department of Peace is ee-vil, because ee-vil things always have ironic names, like the Department of Homeland Security. Sean does this limp-wristed little thing and says that it feels like it’s real. Oh, yes it is, says Norscar…
Page 23:…the nanosystem (in Sean’s brain? Arm? I’m sure we’ll find out) “lies to the arm and vice versa. And they both send impulses into [Sean’s] neurological system.” Mackey is trying to be all scientific-like here but it falls short – if the nanosystem isn’t part of Sean’s neurological system, where does it reside? And does it matter if the arm is lying to it, in that case? Anyway this little talk means that Sean gets to shoot lightening out of his arm.
Norscar says that the arm should last, as it’s tougher than the liver he made for Teddy. Okay, “Kennedy is a drunk fat murderer” jokes are about nine-thousand years out of date, and does this mean that Norscar is a double agent? Liddy waves a sword around and Blind Ollie North pets Marty the Dog.
Norscar keeps being all “another of my gadgets you’ve ruined, Bond” on Sean’s ass as Liddy watches Liberty International Broadcasting. He makes it seem like a big deal that he’s recording, which makes no sense, as we’ll soon find out that this is the most popular news show in America, and it seems all hackery at first. Oh, and Marty is in the foreground, and looks incredibly weird, like he dropped acid and ate peanut butter. It’s horribly frightening.
Actually, it looks like he’s talking, but there’s no speech bubble. New thought: Marty the Dog was originally supposed to be able to speak! But then someone told Mackey that this was an arse-stupid idea, so he changed it, and this is the only remnant.
Alan Colmes comes on and welcomes his guests. Hannity snarkily calls him the “King of All News Media.” Huh? Alan Fucking Colmes? If liberals controlled the news media, he is oh-my-God so not the one we’d make our figurehead. He probably wouldn’t even have a job if there was no longer a need for docile left-centrists.
Page 24: Colmes brags about “Lib News” (har-dee-har) bringing a special news report from the White House, before a really strange cut shows the Presidential Seal on a screen next to him. Hannity asks about the “special” feed, which I guess is what they’re recording, but I’m damned if I know what makes it different from the normal feed. Norscar grimaces as he receives it, because it is too loud. It is these tiny details that really bring the reality of the series into sharp focus. I hope we see the chainmail sperm submarine again in the next issue.
They watch Colmes watch the feed of Ambassador bin Laden meeting President Chelsea Clinton and Vice President Michael Moore. Point A: no, no, no, no. You are a douchey idiot, Mr. Mackey. Moore will never be an elected politician, especially if the liberals are in power. Smart thinkers will be elected. Moore is effective precisely because we are not in control of things, and he feeds on that desperation. Point B: Clinton wouldn’t be president. Think about it. 2001-08: President Gore. 2009-16: President Hilary Clinton. 2017-25: her successor. And Chelsea doesn’t follow Hilary, period. My money is on Obama. Point C: Michael Moore looks exactly like Mole from The Wind in the Willows.
Chelesa introduces bin Laden to her son, William Jefferson Clinton. Moore jokes that “Little Willie just loves to play in the Oval Office.” Because eight years later, it’s still an outrage that the president diddled an intern. The president lying about Iraq’s nuclear program? Not so much an outrage.
Page 25: The black nanny (very cute) frowns as bin Laden tries to play with the babby. He shakes a weird little bug-shaped rattle and smiles, and actually looks very grandfatherly, and not balls-out scary like Liddy. Bu the baby starts crying, and Chelsea and Moore laugh.
Bin Laden paces the Oval Office, pondering on the history decided in that room. I’m sure. I think of all the missteps in this series, it’s the represenation of bin Laden that is the weirdest. First off, no way he’s still alive in 2021, but he’s so erudite and charming, and not at all crazy fundie Muslim in a cave. Bin Laden asks to sit behind the president’s desk, and Moore and an aide say that’s alright, over Chelsea’s objections. Bin Laden stretches out and says that he’s always wanted to do that.
Page 26: The Conservative Freedomtastic Superfighter Awesome Dudes are horrified to see this. I must admit, when I got here the first time, I had to go back to realize that the deal was that bin Laden was in the president’s chair. To sane people, this doesn’t mean much. It’s not like the fantasy fiction thing where whoever sits in the throne is de facto the king. But if you believe that The Presidency is this awe-inspiring Thing, and The President must be Respected and Honored, I guess you could think that an Infidel sitting in The President’s Chair would be horrible. My problem is that such thinking could lead to forming a personality cult around the president and wouldn’t that suck?
Liddy freaks out and Blind Ollie North asks what’s going on. Sean says it’s good for once that North is blind. A blonde woman comes and tells Blind Ollie that the mission is accomplished (back to the “parody” reading), and he asks her (Diana) to take him to “it.” She takes his arm and turns, and she is a textbook-perfect example of an undersexed comic artist drawing the most absurdly tarty woman he can: big boobs spilling out of a leather halter top that barely covers anything. Oh, and a cross necklace. She brings him to a cloth-covered rectangle. Blind Ollie turns to the others – how can he tell? If it were me, I’d shuffle around behind him, poke him on the shoulder, see if he jumps – and announces the S.D.I. Mobile Command Center. The cover is pulled off, revealing a computer. Blind Ollie finishes, “and with it, the return of the Strategic Defense Initiative.”
…
The conservative conspiracy?
Just trying to bring back Star Wars.
Okay, this fucker is so a parody.
Next time: “As Ambassador bin Laden’s ‘apology’ approaches, President Chelsea Clinton begins to question America’s ties with the United Nations. G. Gordon Liddy’s body undergoes repair that explains both his and Hannity’s origins. Although blind, Oliver North begins to set his sights on freedom; as Reagan McGee remembers a day he wishes he could forget.” Prediction: the issue after that one involves a Moore-led revolution.
