First, a tremendous THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to nominate movies, performances, and more for the Golden Spoon Awards. Some of you did so immediately and enthusiastically, some of you did so after a whole lot of begging and cajoling, but the point is you all made this possible. A huge variety of films received nominations, and some of these were also accompanied by amusing commentary. And isn’t that what this whole enterprise is really about – joy and entertainment, especially for me?
Some of you submitted one nomination, and some of you nominated several films in every category. One of you nominated twelve films for Best Bad Movie, reflecting either immense dedication to the cause or immense indecision (or both). Overall, 75 films received a nomination in at least one category.
Some of you were slightly confused about the meaning of “2022,” and attempted to nominate films released in 2021, or 2023, or in one case, 2019. Some of you even tried to transcend the boundaries of time and space with your nominations, such as the person who nominated “all films directed by Roland Emmerich, including future films.”
Let’s see what we came up with! And if, as you peruse the list of nominees, you see a nomination that makes you mad because hey! THAT wasn’t a bad movie! or that movie was just BAD, not fun-bad! or how did THIS film/performance/director not make the list!?, take a deep breath and try to remember that 1) criticism and taste are necessarily subjective and 2) I personally agree with 100% of your opinions and am simply presenting the results of asking these friggin’ weirdos for theirs.
With that, I present to you…
The Nominees for the Inaugural Golden Spoon Awards!
Best Bad Movie
- Ambulance
- Black Adam
- Men
- Moonfall
- Morbius
Best Director of a Bad Movie
- Michael Bay, Ambulance
- Roland Emmerich, Moonfall
- Alex Garland, Men
- Jeff Tremaine, Jackass Forever
- Rob Zombie, The Munsters
Best Actor in a Leading Role in a Bad Movie
- Pierce Brosnan as King Louis XVI, The King’s Daughter
- Jamie Foxx as Bud Jablonski, Day Shift
- Rory Kinnear as The Men, Men
- Jared Leto as Doctor Michael Morbius, Morbius
- Luke Macfarlane as Aaron, Bros
Best Actress in a Leading Role in a Bad Movie
- Jessie Buckley as Harper, Men
- Daisy Edgar-Jones as Kya Clark, Where the Crawdads Sing
- Elsie Fisher as Lila, Texas Chainsaw Massacre
- Florence Pugh as Alice Chambers, Don’t Worry Darling
- Michelle Yeoh as Evelyn Wang, Everything Everywhere All at Once*
Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Bad Movie
- John Bradley as K.C. Houseman, Moonfall
- Pierce Brosnan as Doctor Fate, Black Adam
- Jim Carrey as Doctor Eggman, Sonic the Hedgehog 2
- Keegan-Michael Key as “Honest” John, Pinocchio
- David Howard Thornton as Art the Clown, Terrifier 2
Best Actress in a Supporting Role in a Bad Movie
- Angela Bassett as Ramonda, Black Panther: Wakanda Forever
- Kate Hudson as Birdie Jay, Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery
- Carrie Preston as Cora Whistler, They/Them
- Jean Smart as Elinor St. John, Babylon**
- Jessica Williams as Eulalie “Lally” Hicks,” Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore
Best Bad Screenplay
- Judd Apatow and Pam Brady, The Bubble
- Roland Emmerich, Harald Kloser, and Spenser Cohen, Moonfall
- Theresa Rebeck and Simon Kinberg, The 355
- Matt Sazama and Buck Sharpless, Morbius
- Adam Sztykiel, Rory Haines, and Sohrab Noshrivani, Black Adam
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Because of how the nominations broke down, I am introducing a surprise Special Category for our first year! While a great many performers deserve recognition and honor for their dedication to projects that clearly did not deserve it, one man came to save us this year, taking on earthly form as the incarnation of the “good” in “so bad it’s good”: he performed in three films, and got enough nominations to make it onto the ballot for all three of his performances in those films. I therefore present to you our bonus Special Category…
Best Performance by Christian Bale in a Bad Movie
- Christian Bale as Burt Berendsen, Amsterdam
- Christian Bale as Augustus Landor, The Pale Blue Eye
- Christian Bale as Gorr the God-Butcher, Thor: Love and Thunder
For those interested – and you should be, because there are some underseen gems on here – here’s the complete long list of nominees.
The Rules for Voting!
You now have the chance for vote for the winners via the Official Golden Spoon Awards Ballot.
Voting will be done by ranked choice. You do not have to include every film in every category in your rankings, and you should refrain from voting on films you have not seen. Consider this an opportunity to catch up on wretched movies you, for some strange reason, decided to skip in 2022.
Voting will be open until Friday, March 10, and the awards will announced shortly after in a manner that totally conflicts with the other goofy fake awards ceremony happening around that time.
Happy watching! Happy voting! See you in March!
Mandy Albert teaches high school English and watches movies – mostly bad, occasionally good – in the psychedelic swamplands of South Florida. She is especially fond of 1970s horror and high-sincerity, low-talent vanity projects. You can listen to her and her husband talk about Star Trek: Enterprise on their podcast At Least There’s a Dog! You can also follow Mandy on Letterboxd.
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*If this comments section explodes, I want it on record that it’s not my fault.
**See previous note.